There is this strange feeling. There is nothing quite like it.
This feeling stems from longing, hurt, ignorance, yearning, pain and disgust all at once. It feels like a rojak of emotions. And at the very core, my heart is being nibbled on, chewed on, eaten and digested from inside out.
That is why it hurts. I am like a little Gaara.
I long for recognition from a person I admired and devoted myself to.
I am hurt from the lack of recognition from that same person. And the lack of mutual interaction came from from this lack of recognition.
I have ignored many things about his life in my little fantasy. For that I am ashamed.
I am still yearning for that recognition even after 2 years of resolute silence.
It is painful.
And that is why I cannot bear to watch something which triggers an awful lot of memories. I am torn between the side of my little boy, which admires beauty, and my emotional side that could break down any moment from the hurt.
Something inside me is still telling me to continue to watch, and the other side is telling me to avoid the pain.
What do I listen to? It is still a desolate situation, either way.
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