Dear Mama
I really miss you. I really do. Sometimes, I wonder where you are, and what you are doing. I long to hear your voice speaking to me once again. At this ungodly hour, as I am typing this letter, I remember the days when you would peek your head in to see if I was asleep whenever you got home. If I was awake, you would call me out to eat something that you brought back from the shop. If I wasn't, you would just smile and then close the door, knowing I would always be there.
Today, I was walking in Bugis+, alone. Remember when it first opened as this shabby new mall called 'Iluma'? You were so excited about it that we immediately went in even though there was practically nothing to buy. I can still picture you holding my hand as we climbed floor after floor, peering into the unfinished shops. At the very top floor, there was a CD shop. I remember that day when I asked you if I could buy a CD set home to watch, of an anime that was not as famous as others. You bought it for me without even much of a thought, and smiled with me on the way home.
As I look up to see the photo on the wall, I see you, Daddy and Kai Wen. The photo was taken at Sentosa during Chinese New Year period, when I was away in Thailand with Papa. Sometimes, I wonder if that would have made the perfect family. Just the mother, the father and the child, all related by blood and happiness.
And then I remember that we had many photos together, just the two of us, tucked away in a drawer I keep under lock and key.
Do you remember that time when we were at Ah Ma's funeral? You were already sick with cancer by then. We were folding hell notes and the family was being cheered up by Si Gu. All of a sudden, the topic shifted to our family. It shifted to, specifically, me.
I didn't know how they felt it, but I remember one of them asking, "Max, are you gay?"
My cousins were so immature they started pretending to be all feminine. I just instinctively said, "No." I had no idea what was going through my subconscious. Perhaps, it was the fact that I could possibly be taunted for being someone different. Maybe it was just because I was too nice to let them know about my true self.
But I saw your face when they asked that question, and I knew that if I told the truth to you, you would probably love me as much as you always had.
Mama, I regret it. I really, really do.
I went out with someone today, you know? Someone who I like. He is a lot like you, actually. Same skin tone; same lips; same eyes. When I hug him, it feels akin to hugging you all over again. He wasn't alone though. He was with his friends. But I wished he was.
Maybe if you were here, things would be a little more different. I could tell you that I have a crush on this boy, and then we would talk about all the failed relationships in your life and how you overcome stupidity within some people. You would tell me all about how Papa and you shared so many wonderful memories together even before you were married.
I cried on the train today on the way back from all of our memories. Maybe I also cried because I couldn't spend any more time with someone I liked, or that I know that I can't tell this someone I like him.
When I was younger, you would take me to beach resorts by evening drives. I remember watching the lights on the street fly by as we sped along the highways of Thailand, with not a care in the world.
Today, it feels like I'm back on the same road, just that the lights are all switched off, and I have no idea where you are, or where we are going.
When I got back, I played a song that you loved from young.
If we hold on together
I know our dreams will never die
Dreams see us through to forever
Where clouds roll by
For you and I
I know you don't read English, but if you can see this, I hope I can see you. At least, in my dreams. I miss you so much.
Love you
Max
